So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
