Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
