Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You smell like stripper and shame
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
