just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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