The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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