Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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