Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
