dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
