i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
