i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
