best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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