paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
