I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
