Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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