the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
