got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
