They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
