He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
