saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
