OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So much rum. So many feels.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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