Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
