I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
