it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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