My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
