So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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