Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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