Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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