Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
