Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
