I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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