and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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