i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
