It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
