WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
