My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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