I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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