well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
