The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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