Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
