My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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