WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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