a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
