Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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