Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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