Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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