Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize