my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
