I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
