Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
