Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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