I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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