Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
