Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
