She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
