Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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