I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
