i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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