remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
