Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
