I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize