Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
