Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
