It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
