we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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