I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
