Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
