I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
